Curate of Curiosities

For the true Garbage Pigeons experience, I recommend playing this while reading. It's about as fitting as the game's actual background music.

This is where we start off. It seems like a perfectly normal grassland...aside from the butt that's sticking out of the ground.

Well, it would be nice to know just what on earth we're talking to.

Of course.

Let's go tall to that mushroom nearby.

Before we move on, there's something that needs to be pointed out.

The person behind this game doesn't seem to know what a spell check is.

Now, the only way forward is to the east, so that's where we're headed.

I have no idea what this guy's doing here, and I'm not sure I want to know.

You want to pick up these loaves of bread. They'll be important later.

Drugs? Well, if it means making this nightmare more bearable, then...

I guess we should come back once we get enough cash.

On the way out, we pick up a pair of underwear.

We can equip it, but it lowers our stats compared to what we already have.

Now, I wonder who this Little Bee Cake is?

A pair of shoes? Looks like those might be worth getting.

They only increase our defense by 2, but every bit counts.

There's a sock right next to the shoes, so let's see what we can do about that.

How did we pick up the shoes, then?

Oh, so this is Little Bee Cake. I didn't expect to meet him this early.

From here we have our first battle. Combat in this game is as basic as they come, even by RPG Maker standards. All you can do is hit the enemy, and use bread to heal.

There aren't a whole lot of battles in this game, and you need 25 EXP to reach level 2. As such, you'll need to scour the land for more weirdos to challenge.

Now we can...discreetly...pick up the sock.

It's not as useful as the shoes we already have equipped, though.

There's a path leading south, so let's head there.

There, we find a gently used shovel, sitting in a sandbox.

It provides a +2 increase in attack power, but again, every bit counts.

Now let's see what this hobo has to say.

Wild animal? What are you talking about? It's just some guy in a dirty carpet!

A rag maggot? Where have I heard that name before?

Anyways, it doesn't hit as hard as Bee Cake, and you don't get a lot for beating it, either.

In the room to the north, a cigar-smoking fish man reminds us to save regularly.

Going further north treats us to this lovely scene.

You can try to open the door to this shed, but the entrance is blocked.

You can try to examine this well, but...

Figures. There are only so many places where a morbidly obese bird can fit inside.

Moving on...

All of a sudden, the tileset changes color. Must mean a new area.

Immediately after we enter, we encounter a man with a duck's body, high heels, and rabbit ears, smoking two cigarettes at once.

He introduces himself as Mysterio, and goes into a speech about how utterly messed up this world is.

Apparently, some outside force is making everything and everyone look this way.

Unfortunately for him, his speech falls on deaf ears, and we challenge him to a battle.

Nothing to remark here, other than his piss-poor damage.

After defeating Mysterio, we can either go to the west or to the north.

Going west brings us to Hairy Jungle, which has a similar color scheme to the first area.

There, we are treated to a cutscene involving two creatures...doing something.

Apparently, at least one of the creatures is called a Manboon, and they were doing a mating ritual.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

If you go further down the path, you'll find a giant egg.

A hobo suddenly hatches and joins you.

He doesn't join your party though; he's a usable item. Of course, it's hard to tell just how useful an old man in an egg would be in combat.

Try to go back the way you came, and a duck with an afro and a laser gun will show up and demand you give him the hobo.

Of course, we're having none of that, and challenge him to a battle.

Again, nothing remarkable about fighting him.

Shortly thereafter, we meet some kind of banana bounty hunter, who also asks for the hobo.

Rinse and repeat.

Further to the east, we find a giant beaver, who proclaims himself to be the final guardian.

The fight with him takes at least as long as the first two put together.

Beating him gives you just enough EXP to reach level 2, so it looks like taking that detour was worth it.

Now, let's move on to the north.

There's another cutscene, involving soldiers that are drawn in a completely different art style, who aim to commit genocide against the denizens of this world.

Given what we've seen so far, I'm not sure if anyone's in the right.

You know, this is how I was introduced to this game, by seeing this character in a better RPG.

Anyways, you're supposed to pick up the dog bone next to him and give it to him.

Doing so gives you a mild increase in Strenght, whatever that is.

Further north, Egg Hobo tries to tell you why the guys in the jungle were after him but...

The creatures from earlier suddenly attack you. For the first few turns, they do no damage...

Until they fuse together in one of the most horrifying ways possible.

That aside, they're pretty easy. I didn't even have to heal.

Somehow, Egg Hobo ended up dead in all this commotion.

But there's no time to mourn, there's a hole to check out.

There you find a hobo being tortured by a clown.

Naturally, we play the hero and come to the rescue.

This leads to another drawn out battle with the clown, who starts of dealing almost no damage, but after a few turns, powers up and starts dealing a moderate amount of damage.

After you beat him, the hobo tells you his tale.

It has exactly the same feel as everything else in this game so far.

Or not.

After he's done, you can talk to him again to have him join your party.

Time to leave this makeshift torture cellar and head further north.

Another new area, another new tileset.

Like before, you can go either west or north.

Going west gives us a cutscene where a crow harasses a man in a bodysuit, causing him to run out into the road, where he gets run over by a car.

Another crow shows up, and they chow down on the man's corpse.

Once the scene is over, you end up on the same screen where it took place, and can even talk to the crows.

But that's not the only interesting thing here...

You can find another pigeon! Perhaps it could join us on our quest.

Unfortunately, not only is it too fat to move, its legs have been cut off and enormous tumors are growing in their place.

Well, looks like it's back to the crossroads.

You can pull this creature out of the ground. You don't get anything for it, though.

Further north, we find what looks like a typical RPG town.

As soon as we enter, we are greeted by this furry thing, which, along with that cat, may be one of the most normal people we've met so far.

Talking to the cat causes him to go on this really long spiel about politics:

All this just because I thought he looked relatively normal.

Of course, there's someone else nearby who looks more like what you'd expect from this game.

...I don't even want to know how that would work.

One of the buildings in this town contains an actual shop. Naturally, we can't afford anything.

No comment.

The northernmost building in this town has only a dirty cushion. Clearly, that makes it a good place to rest for the night.

While the party sleeps, this happens...

The Dark Army shows up, and begins its massacre of the town.

The next morning, you are woken up by the sounds of loud explosions. As soon as you leave the shack...

A path opens to the west. That must be where the Dark Army is headed.

At long last, after, like, ten battles, we come face to face with the Dark Army. This will no doubt be a fight to remember!

...Or not.

Do you want to know what this really feels like to me?

It feels like I just spent the past half-hour inside the mind of an unsupervised 12-year-old who spent all night watching MTV and Adult Swim while his parents were asleep.

It also feels like that same 12-year-old got ahold of a pirated copy of RPG Maker and slapped this together over the course of an afternoon.